The Nightmare Before Christmas p.4

One thing my town does have, as well as an abnormally high teen pregnancy rate, is a lot of pubs. Weekly events ranging from watching sport, fancy dress, karaoke, quizzes and drag nights would always mean that the locals would be full to the brim. Actually, this fact may be related to the first statistic I gave. This Christmas break was no exception (in terms of going to the pub, not teen pregnancy) and I thought I could use the pub quiz to get closer to Eleanor (but not to increase teen pregnancy).

I came in and saw she was talking to a friend of mine, Elliot. I must admit, I was pretty jealous, which was unjust considering that Elliot had briefly – emphasis on the word ‘briefly’ – dated her, but was dumped for being ‘suffocating’. However, this didn't cross my mind, and my beer slowly convinced me that Elliot was the enemy. I saw us both as medieval knights jousting for the fair maiden, and I would not lose.

My initial victory was swift, as I merely put my body in-between the two of them and started chatting to Eleanor. Not content with just one level of pub quizzing, we went over to the machine and started playing there. I’m quite confident that the aphrodisiac in this situation was my explicit knowledge about the eating habits of seals, as her hands started exploring my body. Naturally, my concern about having spent 50p on this machine disappeared as I had to put all my concentration into stopping something being triggered between my legs. I believe my conversation with myself went something like this:

There are 32 species of seals. She’s touching my leg. Seals are insulated from cold water by their fur coat. Her other hand is getting involved. Seals detect prey with their whiskers. I’m detecting her hand on my penis.

Now, believe what you will, but it was she who took my hands and moved them away from her waist to places both above and below this area. To revive a cliché, I was exploring curves that I never knew existed. God bless the English pub.

I felt a repetitive prodding on my shoulder; this didn’t feel as nice as what Eleanor had been doing before. I turned my head and saw that it was Elliot trying to get my attention. All our friends were sitting at the table behind him, watching what he was about to say.

‘Ashley, she’s too drunk’

Oh, I saw the shaking heads of my friends as I retook control of my arms and said goodbye to Eleanor. Great, I thought, now all of my friends think university has turned me into a serial rapist. I sat at the corner of the table and tried to make conversation unsuccessfully. Eventually I decided it was best that I just leave, but when outside, I saw Elliott getting into a taxi with Eleanor.

He had won the duel this time, but I would have my revenge.

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